In the oft repeated quote of AW Tozer, he says “what comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us”. I have very much seen this to be true in my own life.

The way the hardness of my heart toward God informed my hardness of heart toward others and toward myself. The way shame flooded my being when I believed God was mad, disappointed, or sought to punish me for the mistakes I had made. The way I looked at the circumstances of my life and couldn’t wrap my mind around the possibility, let alone the existence, of a God who was good.

When I believed God had abandoned me, in wrath and anger, it informed my behavior, my thought patterns, how I regarded myself, and how I saw others. It was hard for me to see past my pain, my heartache, and my frustrations. I felt like a hopeless soul wandering a very broken world and, instead of thanking God for the good in my life, I blamed Him for the bad.

I believe many of us can relate to this. How could there be a good God when this bad thing has happened? How could He be a good and loving Father if I feel abandoned? If He loved me, why would this happen? If you have asked these questions before, you’re in good company (or at least, mine). And while I have seen Jesus’ victory over these vulnerabilities and fears, there are still days where I ask God similar questions. I don’t always get the answers I hope for, or the wisdom I long for, or the outcome I pray for, but the true character of God anchors me and softens the blow of the brokenness of this world. The reality that Jesus is Emmanuel God With Us has become enough for me. Our compassionate, cosuffering King. The one who can empathize with every weakness, and yet does not sin.

That hope and comfort, God’s gentle presence, was missing those years ago when I thought God was somebody other than who He is. I saw the world in its brokenness, watching the darkness slowly overtake me and the people I love, without hope.

When I wasn’t intimately acquainted with the heartbeat of Christ and His living and eternal hope, I saw everything differently. The weight of darkness was a heavy burden; I wasn’t familiar with Jesus’ easy yoke and his burden light. Now that I do, I know that the God of all comfort is sovereign over the darkness that seeks to hide us. Darkness is as light to Him, and where God is present, darkness has no dominion. This truth softens the pain of living among such brokenness, and most days, I can’t believe I lived for so long without believing this to be true.

Live Changed.

Coming to know the heart of God changed everything. To have experienced His grace and His covering, and to witness how this hope changed the way those who love him lived, showed me something I didn’t yet have but so badly wanted. The good news is, this living hope offered through the resurrection of Jesus, is an invitation to us all. A gift we don’t deserve and didn’t earn but that has been offered as a gift because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and His intercession on our behalf through his body on the cross.

I hadn’t grown up hearing the gospel, but I can imagine how hearing the good news could begin to callous one’s heart after hearing it enough times, but not quite “feeling” it, or feeling like you’ve gotten to experience His holy presence for yourself. Faith is about true encounter, and no one can do this for you. Parents can bring their kids to church, have them sit in a pew, and pray earnestly for them. Friends can faithfully invite their friends and coworkers to church each week, and maybe even have some say yes once or twice, but it’s up to every one of us to choose faith in Jesus for ourselves. Sadly, some of us never do.

Whether you’ve heard the name of Jesus your whole life, or whether the gospel is a testimony that falls upon fresh ears here, I believe true encounter with the King of Kings is powerful enough to break down all the walls we’ve built. I believe the truth of Jesus has the power to restore every single thing that has been broken within our hearts and minds. I believe His heart that beats for us has a healing power like no other thing this entire world has to offer. And I ache for you, reader, to believe what is true about God. I ache to see the church filled with people who know His heart. Who are changed and live changed from a heart that overflows grace and mercy and love unto this broken world. To live changed is a decision we make ourselves, one that requires faith and trust in Jesus, the one who paid it all.

As I’ve been writing this, in many ways, I’ve struggled because it’s felt hypocritical to talk about living from depth and intimacy, faith and trust, as I’ve wrestled with those very things. In recent weeks, I have had to fight hard to believe that God has something for me. That His plans and His ways are good. When life is hard, I think it becomes easier to believe the opposite of what is true. Recently, the fear of being forgotten or forsaken by God has slowed the pace at which I run to Him. I have felt bummed out, discouraged, and hard pressed on every side. And yet, despite my divided and weary heart, God draws near and speaks in the silence to remind me I am not crushed. I am struck down, but not destroyed. He is still faithful to His promise.

I’ve taken solace in the fact that it takes our entire lifetimes to become more like Jesus, and to know His heart. Faith is something we have to work out and keep choosing as we wrestle, but even in that, there is an invitation to worship.

Salvation happens in a moment, but sanctification is a slow, unglamorous and sometimes painful, commonly uncomfortable, process of formation as God sands down our rough edges. It’s a stretching, a refining, a sharpening, a forming into Christlike character. We commit to this journey as believers for the remaining days of our lives because of the example of Jesus, our pioneer and perfecter of faith, and I don’t think it ever necessarily begins to feel easier. I look more like Jesus now than I did when I met him, but I have a long way to go to love people like he does. Some seasons, we have to fight for this faith, the kind that tells us it’s worth it. Some days, it’s harder to believe there is victory through Jesus’ blood. Other times, we get to delight in the abundance and ease of relationship with him. But no matter what, this journey of becoming starts (and continues) with us opening our hearts to Him.

All of this begins with discovering who God is. What grieves Him, delights Him, and please Him. Out of the truth of who God is comes life change. Out of the abundance of His grace and mercy come hope and love.

Know God. Love God. Become Like Him.

My heart cry is that we would know the depth of Christ’s love, experience the intimacy and depth of relationship he offers, and live as if the reality of Jesus has changed everything (because it has). Out of this kind of encounter, Christ’s heart begins to beat in our chests, and His genuine love fuels a passion and desire in our own hearts to draw others into God’s presence too. I ache for us to be deeply acquainted with the heartbeat of our Father, so we can live out of the truth and reality of His love. This, and only this, is how we can be ambassadors of Christ in this world: by knowing His heart, delighting in His presence, and pointing others who don’t know Him, back to Him. In order to do this, we must devote ourselves to spending time with God, learning His character through the scriptures and opening our hearts to receive His love through personal encounter.

Knowing God matters a lot. It’s everything. Out of this one belief – what we believe to be true about God – stems all of our other beliefs about ourselves and the world we inhabit. The response to the question Who is God? is the most important thing about us because it informs how we live, love, think, and act. It also informs how we suffer and how we wrestle with the hard things. My hope and prayer is that the foundation on which we lay our entire lives is a sure one, a firm one, a secure one.

For many of us, opening our heart for the journey can feel really hard. This work requires vulnerability, sacrifice, and a laying down of idols. It asks each of us to exchange our pride for a posture of humility, a heart that’s willing to be wrong. Even in this, the journey has already begun, and along the way, God desires to show us who He is even more. If you’ve considered turning your back on Him, would you give Him another chance? Would you ask Him to show you who He is, and allow yourself to experience the reality of His goodness? He will be with you in the pain, heartache, worries and doubts you uncover as you seek Him.

Early on, I remember feeling so isolated in my walk with the Lord because of my story, thinking is this a place for me? What am I even doing here; I didn’t grow up in church? But Jesus is for everyone, and I’ve always come back to that truth and comfort. He doesn’t only love the ones who grew up knowing nothing else than life with him. He does not just call the ones who grew up in church His beloved, but the ones who recognize their need and Him as the One who can fill it. The invitation doesn’t expire, and neither does His patience. It’s not too late for you. Do you believe that?

Who is the Great I Am?

Moving forward here, I’m going to linger in the themes of encounter, intimacy and depth, and the Father’s heart. I believe that’s why I’m here, and what I want to do with this little corner of the internet. There’s a lot of mess we have to sift through sometimes to believe that God is good, and it’s important to me that people know what is true about them and the God who loves them. Let’s encounter the true heart of Christ together.

This is the start to a series(ish) to dive into who God says He is, how we can respond to it, how we navigate the moments where it’s hard to believe it, and how it informs how we live as ambassadors of Christ in this world.

This is meant to be a place for the weary and wandering. This is hopefully a series for the ones who feel that way, the ones who’ve believe lies about God, and who they are, for their whole lives. This is a blog for those needing to be refreshed, aching for greater depth and intimacy in their relationship with Jesus. My heart beats for the ones stuck in shame, riddled with grief, and not quite knowing what to do with it. For the ones who have a hard time believing God isn’t for them, and has turned His back on them (He hasn’t). For those who don’t know what it looks like to have a relationship with Jesus. The beauty of relationship with Christ is that we will never reach the end of His goodness. He is always there, waiting for us to draw near to Him.

May you discover the depth of Christ’s love here, and how His heart beats for you.

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Questions for Reflection:

When you think of God, what characteristics come to mind?

What do you wish to be true about God’s heart?